Effing Dykes Presents: What Lies Beneath (Her Nails) | Autostraddle

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Krista

of

Effing Dykes

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Hiya lezzers!

I Have had gotten marshmallows and gluten-free graham crackers, so…

WHO WANTS TO HEAR A SCARY STORY??

MWAH





HA HAHAHAHA!

Get the pal. Everyone got the buddy? Good. Hold on tight your friend’s hand.

‘Cause this is exactly a true story.

Ahem.

Not So Long Ago, once I ended up being so recently homosexual I Did Not even comprehend I Found Myself newly gay…

An how to meet older lesbians on now-defunct queer bar called


Za’s


in Green Bay, Wisconsin

(I found myself completely just indeed there to dance)


gave me some information:

1)


Never ever start a joint bank checking account with your partner



2)


You shouldn’t fake orgasms



3)


Be certain that a lady’s nails are clean.

The wise lesbian was in the woman later part of the 40’s, an age group up until now from the my personal 19-years-old-with-a-fake-ID self that i possibly couldn’t even envision what it must be want to be thus old.

How unfortunate, I thought. Here this woman is at a bar and she actually is outdated. I hope I do not become lonely like her.

Actually it enjoyable is the center of your very own market?

Exactly what a little shit I found myself.

For whatever reason, however, we walked away from

Za’s


that evening saying the woman three regulations to myself.

While I woke right up, I imagined ones.

It was kind of like in The Silver Chair, whenever Polly and Eustace Scrubb tend to be charged by Aslan to consider The symptoms.


Never become you never re-read the Narnia boxed-set at least one time a-year.

Anyway! in recent times, i remembered the 3 existence classes the lesbian had taught myself. Her guidance generated sense.

I never ever started a shared checking account with any individual.

I never faked orgasms once again following the first few times I did it, realizing I became, in fact, dooming my self to a continuous period of shitty intercourse by worthwhile poor performance using my cries of “ecstasy.”

And I constantly covertly examined a female’s fingernails before we slept with her.

Brief? Check.

No scratchy borders? Check.

Clean? It’s go time.

But precisely why, sluts?


What is the fuss about fingernails?


What is actually with the short-nailed lesbian jokes? What?

I am talking about, alright, I get it. It really is tougher to fuck with extended nails. You might possibly puncture a lung or something like that.

But it is maybe not difficult. I have had lengthy fingernails before for burlesque shows; screwin’ with ‘em isn’t all those things hard — you just make sure to use the shields of your own fingers.

So why had been that lesbian thus emphatic about thoroughly clean nails?

You guys, she had been



SO. EMPHATIC.

I made the decision to accomplish some debunking.

Definitely absolutely nothing could actually occur in the event that you had gotten banged by someone with dirty fingernails.

And then I recalled a tale so horrible I would nearly overlooked it.

Homos.

Poor crap sometimes happens.

This terror story relates to united states courtesy of my good-looking friend ”


Cai



,” who may have viewed more snatch in temperature than a kitty clinic on Free Spay time.

Alright.

Cai


was a student in Miami whenever she came across an extremely hot femme we are going to phone


Katie.

Katie


smelled like glucose cookies baking, used a leopard-print swimsuit, had huge silver hoops that shimmered within the light, and also held one of many best asses


Cai


had ever before observed.

She covertly texted me a picture of

Katie

from the swimming pool so she could brag, and that I texted right back,


“I would hit that till my personal hand dropped off.”

Therefore, yes,


Katie.

Cai


took


Katie


home that night. There have been some serious ingesting.

While getting undressed


Katie


into the half-light,


Cai


watched one thing she hadn’t truly seen before:



Katie had cool nails.

In reality,




Katie




had an extended, rhinestone-tipped French manicure. Juuuust like Rihanna.

Cai


couldn’t end the emotional image of the nails clawing down her straight back while she fucked


Katie


, very animalistic gender commenced.

Cai


actually leave

Katie


fuck her, and even though she typically never allows anyone accomplish that. What the hell, she realized. Going residence tomorrow. Never ever see this woman once again. I’m able to get topped for per night.

Let’s fast-forward 2-3 weeks, shall we?

Something ended up being completely wrong with


Cai’s


“area.”

Really, really completely wrong. It itched. It burnt.

Some, um, greenish-yellowish stuff had been oozing from it. When I state some What i’m saying is extreme. quantities. of. pus.

Cai


would not go directly to the lady-doctor.

Because becoming supportive is really what relationship is all about, when she said, we said,


“So you at long last got the clap. Whorebag.”

Cai


chuckled nervously. She moved residence, googled “the clap” and turned into believing that she performed, certainly have gonorrhea. She went, the very first time actually


(she had been 28),


to the queer-friendly neighborhood gyno center.

They don’t understand what was actually completely wrong together.

They tested her for gonorrhea. They tested for syphilis, herpes, HPV, chlamydia, the works. Absolutely Nothing.

Cai


was in some pain. She needed solutions. She was indeed getting the


‘pus’


in


“pussy”


for almost per month now.

So that they provided their an ultrasound.

AND MIGHT YOU GUESS WHAT THEY DISCOVERED.

Vaginal rips. All over the inside the woman vag.

Many rips.

Cai


was ripped to shreds. The woman insides happened to be dangling in ribbons. Appeared to be crepe-paper birthday accents in there.

And everything – every last inches – was contaminated.

It would look whenever Katie used her fabulous very long nails to offer

Cai


an energetic drunk-fuck, no body knew that her nails were in addition a festering reproduction ground for



microbial vaginosis

.

Superb.

Cai


claims to have now been a stone-cold very top since that time.

My best friend wikipedia says you can acquire terrible infections from dirty fingernails. Apparently, you can find sometimes staphylococcus microbes hangin’ out, that could result in anything from epidermis boils to motherfucking meningitis.

And do you know what more?

Pinworm eggs.

S’all I’m gonna say.

That smart lesbian was spot-on together with her existence classes.

Never ever open up a shared checking account along with your fan.

Never ever phony orgasms.

And holy mom of goodness, have a look at a technique’s fingernails before screwing.

Or perhaps you are destined to endure the fate of Cai.

THE END

I Need To ask yourself, though…

Have of y’all ever become something unpleasant from another women’s fingers?

Or heard about someone that did?

Or perhaps is this generally



(‘cept for Cai)



a lesbian urban misconception?

My hands are inching towards the travel-sized Purell bottle.

I would like solutions.